***This post contains swearing and the remains of an explosive poonami***
Monday 8th April, 18:30pm
I had been just a regular day for us, the older boys had been in school and now it was that time of the evening to start getting everyone bathed and in bed ready for school again the following morning. The dream baby was 3 weeks old, he would be turning 4 weeks on the Thursday!! Where has time gone?? He was starting to need a bit of interaction so I thought what a great time to get his new baby gym out and have a little play on it. He’d loved it the night before. So while I was running his bath I was playing the usual games with him, chatting to him and just generally cooing over how beautiful he was and nothing would change my mind.
The dream baby has an arse like no other, he’s forever shitting and farting so I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. We always joke about the fact we’ve had one baby who didn’t sleep or poo and we’ve got one that does sleep and certainly knows how to poo. I mean, when he did his first poo just after he was born the poor midwife who had kindly offered to change his nappy for me as I’d just had an emergency C-Section, looked horrified as he had exploded everywhere, and that first poo is as black as tar!
His bath was ready and cooling down slightly as I don’t like to rush the bedtime routine, that way he becomes more relaxed and tired and ready for bed. The munchkin had come in briefly to have a little look and play then left. After making sure I’d gotten everything sorted and ready for after the bath I sat myself back down and gave him a nice feed to keep him happy and content.
Then come the farts!!
As childish as I am I have a little giggle and carry on with playing some games and taking photos. For some reason I decided to sit at the bottom end and start playing with his feet…….He let out the biggest and loudest fart I’d ever heard him do…..But only this time it wasn’t a fart, he’d only gone and sharted!!
Ok, fair enough I thought. It’ll only be on his vest and bath time can be a little earlier than planned no harm in that if I get him undressed now I can save his vest and sleep suit……..Then I looked down at myself and oh my god!!! You’re thinking he’d sharted and it had gone up his back and through his sleep suit right?? This time though it wasn’t just a shart, he’d only gone and fucking exploded EVERYWHERE! When I say everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE!!
He was covered in shit all up his back, his clothes were definitely covered it had gone through his nappy, was all over the baby gym (It hadn’t even been set up that long I had to take it all apart to wash?!) Fucks sake, I mean what was I supposed to do?? As I started to undress him I noticed it was on the floor, how the hell has it ended up on the floor?? For a minute I thought I saw the dreaded yellow colour on my pants legs…..No, surely not!!
Yes, friends the baby had also managed to shit on me!!!
I have never in my life seen anything like it. Not only was it all over my pants but the baby too, he seemed to be covered from head to toe and no matter how much I tried to wipe the majority of it off of him he’d have it somewhere else. It was bad enough I didn’t trust his arse when changing his nappy anyway, as he has sharted a few times on me but this was definitely a first!! I kept finding it in the most random places, it had clearly shot out in one straight line.
After trying to laugh it off and take some photos, (yes, I’m one of those mum’s. Don’t judge!) because nobody would have believed it if I told them I then started to try and clean it up, I managed to bathe the baby, not for long as the bath turned yellow from all the shit, I put him in some clean PJ’s thrust him at the OH and then went to work trying to take apart the gorgeous bear shaped baby gym and get it into the wash before it was stained forever…….
Just in case you were wondering, I did manage to save the bear. Sadly the vest and clothes didn’t, may they rest in peace!!
Babies are the most magical creatures because they will never cease to amaze you with what they can do with their body parts! I absolutely love it! When you’ve been shit on by your own baby you have passed, you can now call yourself mum (or dad). May you forever be covered in sick, snot, poo and pee!!